Opinion: Did you see that obscene jester?

“You say I can watch your news ‘screaming online.’ Sorry, but I prefer my news without all the screaming.” (I guess I’ll have to lower my voice.)

“I just heard that it’s musky dime season. Does anyone know where I can find some?” (No, but I’ve got a drawer full of musty old pennies).

“There’s so much more I could say. I’m just scratching the service.” (Which branch of the military are you scratching?)

“I have three sisters and a bother.” (Yep, there’s one of those in every family.)

“Our city needs to build more infant structure!” (Yep, we only have one McDonald’s with an indoor playground.)

“I saw the police arrest him, and take him away in coughs.” (Well, it is allergy season.)

“They’re just looking for an escape goat.” (I think I saw him over there by the kudzu.)

“They arrested him for tax invasion.” (Did he break into the IRS?)

“You should see the big law enforcement presents on I-75.” (Santa must have come early for the police this year.)

“They’ll never take my gun, I always have it on my waste.” (Yeah, I bet they’ll leave your gun alone.)

“I don’t trust them political poles. I don’t know a single sole who has ever been poled.” (There’s a country song in here somewhere.)

“Did you see that obscene jester?” (I remember the good old days when jesters kept it clean.)

“I can’t believe they’re proposing that budget. It’s all smoking mirrors.” (Quick, grab the fire extinguisher!)

“My doctor says I need to stay hibernated.” (Oh my. That could take all winter.)

“Bad spelling is our worst enema.” (But with you leading the fight, we’re sure to have a good outcome.)

“I will only vote for candidates who pledge no new taxis.” (We need to walk more anyway.)

“If anyone has a child who needs help in school, I’m available for inexpensive tudoring.” (Proving you get what you pay for.)

“I am so forgetful lately. Reckon I might have dimension or something?” (Well, it’s something, all right. Now, what was your question?)

“She surrendered to the law several hours ago, but the news reported it like she is still on the lamb.” (If she is, the police chase shouldn’t last very long.)

“We can’t have another government shutdown. That would be a national apostrophe!” (I’m glad you put an explanation point there.)

“I guess it just got lost in the shovel.” (That’s why you need a wheel barrel.)

“If you want to see real competition, you should’ve come to our cheerleader trouts.” (I wish you had let minnow. I was home watching Tuna Half Men on TV.)

“He shouldn’t have talked to those reporters. He should’ve just said No Comet.” (I guess he wanted to come clean.)

“Every woman should get an annual monogram.” (Maybe that way, she will never forget her name.)

“The former president should deny those alligations. In fact, he should sue the alligators.” (I wouldn’t do that. I hear their attorney can be quite slippery.)

“Pay no attention to that story. It’s just an old wise tale.” (And wisdom is obviously in short supply here.)

“Now that is definitely one for the wrecker books.” (In fact, it might break the old world wrecker.)

“At the rate things are going, our nation will soon be in dire scrapes.” (Watch out for those scratches, too.)

“I’ll never forget that night. We had a bawl.” (That was you? I thought it was cats howling.)

“We love the fast rides at that amusement park. My favorite is the cannibal.” (Just make sure everyone is accounted for.)

Keep ’em coming, folks. And until next time, drink lots of water. You need to stay hibernated.

David Carroll is a Chattanooga news anchor, and his upcoming book is “David Carroll’s Ho Made Social Media Blunders.” You may contact him at RadioTV2020@yahoo.com or 900 Whitehall Road, Chattanooga, TN 37405.