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I have just published a new humor book. It’s called, “I Won’t Be Your Escape Goat: David Carroll’s Ho Made Social Media Blunders.” Personally signed copies are available for $19.95 plus $5.00 shipping at ChattanoogaRadioTV.com or at my mailing address at the end of this column. Here’s a sampling:

While doing some research, I was looking through some 1930s-era newspapers. One theater proudly advertised, “Coming Distractions!” I don’t know if that was a typo or if they were indeed offering people “distractions” from the Great Depression.

Either way, now is a good time to provide some distractions from the relentless parade of bad news that engulfs our lives. Had it up to here with politics? Well, sit back, relax, and enjoy my latest collection of Facebook flubs and AutoCorrect blunders. (My wise guy comments are in parentheses.)

“My favorite restaurant is Chili’s. Seems like they give you more bang for your butt.” (Well, their food is a wee bit spicy.)

A typo from a Christmas-season event: “Bring the kids, for Breakfast with Satan!” (Wow, they must have REALLY been naughty this year.)

From a church bulletin: “Join us each Sunday morning. We always offer a worm welcome.” (Your congregation takes this “fisher of men” thing seriously, don’t you?)

Also at church: “At the end of the service, the ushers will visit each pew to collect your ties.” (But please, leave your shirt on.)

Back to Facebook. “This man said not to send a check. He said I could use Pay Pow.” (Just don’t shout that out loud in public.)

“My doctor says I need to go on a low-crab diet.” (Red Lobster will be sorry to hear about this.)

“Come to Vacation Bible School. We promise there will be plenty of smacks!” (You must know my kids pretty well.)

“Alabama’s defensive line will be strong this year. A good combination of speed, agility and brute forest.” (Well, some of those guys are as big as redwood trees.)

“My son has worked hard on his piano lessons. I would encourage you to come see his rectal.” (Eww. I’ve heard of dinner and a show, but this is going way too far.)

“If he don’t stop drinking so much, the doctor says he will have to deal with Sir Osis of the liver.” (I’d much rather interact with Sir Loin Steak of the Outback.)

“In my opinion, our new mayor just doesn’t pass the mustard.” (Oh, but you should see him toss the ketchup.)

“I now realize, I shoud of been a teacher.” (Well, there’s just one small problem…)

“Sadly, the days of people using proper English have went away.” (Yes, it is a loosing battle.)

“My son has moved to the country. He has a garage, a pool, and several achers.” (I’m happy about his garage and pool, but I hope his achers feel better soon.)

“I haven’t been out of the house since June. We are on corn teen.” (Well, at least you’re getting lots of fiber.)

Sign outside a closed business: “We apologize for any incontinence.” (You may want to limit your intake of corn teen.)

Sign at entrance of drive-thru medical clinic: “Coronavirus testing in the rear.” (Hey, this is NOT what I signed up for.)

“My vote for president don’t count anyway. The only thing they listen to is the electrical college.” (I guess your daddy was right. You should have gone to technical school.)

“I’ve lived a long life. I must truly have a garden angel.” (Yes, Clementine, that would also explain why your okra always wins the blue ribbon.)

“I was not the one who ran the red light. I am entitled to some condensation!” (Absolutely. Just wear this face mask with your glasses on a hot day, and you’ll get all the condensation you want.)

“I wish they would legalize marinara.” (I’ve heard rumors that Olive Garden serves it out in the open.)

Sign on doctor’s office door: “Do not enter if you have underlined health problems.” (And if your health problems are in ALL CAPS, please stay home until further notice.)

I hope this column has been a pleasant distraction. This too, shall pass, but only if you practice good high jean.

David Carroll is a Chattanooga news anchor, and his new book, “I Won’t Be Your Escape Goat,” is available on his website, ChattanoogaRadioTV.com. You may contact him at 900 Whitehall Road, Chattanooga, TN 37405, or at RadioTV2020@yahoo.com.